After my daughter died, I had no idea all the things that would come with grief. Children are never supposed to die before you–especially when they are healthy and vaccinated. Yet, here we are. Navigating child loss during the holidays can be very overwhelming.
I just want you for my own more than you could ever know
One warning that ran through my head repeatedly was that I could not sit down, stop living, or allow my emotions to take me over. My daughter would be so sad to know she had blown up my life and that in addition to losing her life, I’d lost mine, too. I decided early I could not lie in bed even though that’s all I felt like doing. There was no time to stop going out into public even though every part of me wanted to hibernate. If I stopped moving, it would be impossible for me to get going again. If I’m honest, I could not control my emotions, but I could control my actions. So, I focused on that. Now, almost 3 years later, her absence feels “almost” normal. I mean, probably as normal as it’s ever going to get.
In my time of grief, I sold my house and moved to a place I love, got a new job teaching the same grade/subject as my daughter, graduated with my master’s, am writing a book, started two new websites, traveled, lost friends I should have never had, found friends I didn’t know I needed, and helped others navigate grief. My marriage is stronger. My other children and I are closer. All of these things have helped my healing. Slowly.
Make my wish come true. All I want for Christmas is you.
I don’t appreciate my daughter’s death. There’s nothing good that comes from a child dying. But I learned this truth: we never know when our time is coming. With this fresh point of view, I’ve been able to turn my focus on pursuing my lifelong dreams. The greatest gift my daughter left me was the gift of fearlessness. I’ve been afraid my whole life. But, I lost the things that were most important to me, I faced the fear few know, I felt my blood run ice cold through my veins, and I survived it all. Again, I am not thankful in any way for her death, but I am stronger, wiser, and a better version of myself as a result.
The greatest gift my daughter left me was the gift of fearlessness.
Christmas (and every holiday) is always going to be different because navigating child loss during the holidays is a bear. I always heard that three years was about the time that the grief softened. I have found this to be true. This Christmas season, there are twangs of sorrow in my heart from time to time, but mostly I feel blessed that I had an opportunity to know and love for 27 years one of the greatest humans that ever walked this earth. She is alive with me in everything I do. I smile when I feel her presence and remember all the Christmases we shared.
Someone once asked me if I could stop the pain of losing my daughter if I wished I’d never known her at all. That was a difficult question. In the beginning, I thought I may actually die of a shattered heart. Like for real, for real. But today, I wouldn’t trade one day with that precious girl for even a second of relief.
All I Want For Christmas…
May you celebrate and feel your loved ones with you this holiday season. May their memories bring you smiles. May remembering those small moments you shared bring joy to your heart. I’m sorry you are without their physical presence this time of year, but they are always with us so long as we hold them close.
