Caring for yourself after child loss doesn’t even seem like an option. The last thing you want to do is get out of bed to do…anything. Some of you have other children to raise and support through the grief process. Some have survived horrific experiences themselves or may be struggling with guilt. I want to make it clear that I am not a grief expert. What I will suggest here is not the only way to navigate grief; it’s just one way. These are some things I did early on to help me care for myself.
Number One Priority
I’m not sure I’ve ever been my number one priority. That sounds crazy when I write it, but since I began adulthood, I have had other priorities before my own. My daughter was born when I was 20, and any thoughts I had about me alone went out the window when she came along. In the calmest moments of my life, I exercise and eat healthily, and sometimes I like it. But in moments of stress, exercise and lettuce go out the window.
So, asking myself to think about myself as my number one priority felt uncomfortable. This hardly seemed the time to start. It didn’t take long before I realized that without some kind of health and rest, I wasn’t going to make it for the long haul.
Health Care
For instance, my sugars were a little high now and then prior to my daughter’s death. However, after her death and the physical strain it added, my sugar shot through the roof. Within 60 days, I had a medical event. I could not get enough water, and the more I drank, the sicker I got. Unfortunately, I was diagnosed with diabetes.
It illustrated to me the importance of taking care of my physical health. On the other hand, this is the last thing I wanted to do, but on the other hand, without taking care of myself, I couldn’t be there for anyone else. I’m still not eating lettuce, though.
Promise Number One
Promise number one I made to myself is that I would not snuggle in my bed and cry. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with doing that. I’ve talked to many parents who handle grieving in precisely this way. Some of them end up in bed crying, for a long time. But it was apparent to me right away, even before her passing, that if I was going to lie down and allow myself to be enveloped in all the feels, I was never going to get going again.
An object in motion stays in motion unless an outside force acts upon it
– Newton 🍎
Newton’s First Law of Motion
I learned Newton’s First Law of Motion in the 7th grade. The law states that an object in motion—me—stays in motion unless an outside force, like my comfortable bed, acts upon it. Not only did science apply, but it also became my mantra for the next two years.
Every time I wanted to give in to the pain when I thought I could not breathe another breath, walk another step, and all I wanted to do was lie down and not be; I remembered the promise I made to myself. Just keep swimming, as the famous fish says.
Super Comfy Bed
This decision made it easier to make other good decisions. (Again, for myself, this is not for everyone.) As a person who is prone to depression, I knew it was the right choice for me. It would be too tempting to wallow in self-pity. After all, what happened to her was so unfair.
Relax
Relax? Caring for yourself after child loss might not include relaxation in your mind. In fact, it may seem absolutely ridiculous if you are in the throws of early grief. However, I realized early that I needed soul-refreshing relaxation, not activities to numb my mind. Activities that I avoided were drinking, using drugs/nicotine, watching television, and other numbing things. Again, there’s nothing inherently wrong with those things. If they bring you comfort, I would encourage you to do them. For me, they offered a vehicle to avoid and not face.
Instead, I opted for things that brought me relaxation. I took a bath every single day. In the scalding hot of the bubbles, I could hold my ears below the water and be nowhere and everywhere all at once. I gave myself permission to come undone in this space. I didn’t have to put up a front for the world, but I could just be. Other things I did to relax were reading books, hanging out with my husband, walking with my dog, spending time in nature, going to eat with my emoji friends, and writing.
Brush Things
Don’t forget to brush your hair and teeth. It seems like that would be pretty straightforward, but it’s worth saying that I had to remind myself to do it every day, especially brushing my hair. Did I think I would have to remind myself to do these things? If I didn’t have anywhere to go, it was hard to get out of my pajamas, but focusing on brushing my teeth and hair definitely helped me feel like I accomplished something that day. Some days, it was all that I accomplished. Caring for yourself after child loss can include literally brushing your hair as the accomplishment of the day.
Outside Appearance
You know the adage fake it til you make it? I sure didn’t feel like I deserved any happiness or care, but I continued to do it anyway. Every week, I put on my fake it til you make it Color Street nails. Karna, the Color Street stylist, used to do my daughter’s nails. It helped me connect. (There is no affiliation between Color Street and me.) Yep, caring for yourself after child loss can include fake things, too.
I made time for beauty appointments at the salon. In fact, one day while at the salon, I told the stylist to go full-on Pink with my extremely long hair. Now, it’s mere inches long and sticks straight up. My students, mostly, love it, the adults not as much. It has helped me connect with my teenage self, a time in life when I felt strong. If you can connect with a time when you felt strong in life, I would totally recommend doing that. Listen to the music of that time, do those hobbies, whatever it is that connects you. It helps.
Cleaning
Doing the “normal” things helped drive me back to “normal.” It took a long time for those things to feel natural again, but keeping a routine was helpful in creating structure. I learned that I could be depressed, anxious, and sad while wiping dishes. It helped keep me going in a positive direction, even if I didn’t feel particularly positive on the inside. I have found structure to be the antidote to depression. Who knew cleaning could be included in caring for yourself after a child loss?
The Other Kids
I did not have kids at home when my daughter died. Since I could not see what they were experiencing, I carved out Sunday to text each of them that I loved them and that I hoped they were doing okay. With everyone else, I had almost nothing to give, but with my kids, I did not want them to have the burden of carrying my sadness, too. So, I tried to be the support I needed from others. Still momming, even when I felt hollow on the inside. It has helped to continue our relationship, even though our world blew up that day in 2022.
A Good Friend
The number one thing I did to take care of myself was connect regularly with A Good Friend. Sometimes, all I did was cry the entire conversation. Sobbed would probably be more appropriate. I have never felt so profoundly sad and empty. There were moments when I thought I might physically die from the feeling of grief in my body. I could not carry that alone. So we talked and talked and she listened and listened. Then, we talked more, and she listened more. I needed to repeat the story to make it true…or untrue.
She went in to have a baby, our first grandchild. Then, we got sick, and she died. She died?
She went in to have a baby, our first grandchild. Then, we got sick, and she died. I had to say it over and over and over again because I just couldn’t believe it. Sometimes, I still don’t.
Find Joy in Small Moments
I had failed to notice in my “before” life, that joy really comes in the small moments. When I began keeping a small moments journal, I got to relive the sweet, kind, hopeful moments I had throughout the day. It’s easy to focus on the negative. This helped me to observe that while I felt horribly sad, I also could experience a tiny slice of happiness in the darkness. I came to realize later that small moments are the things that bring us true joy. The more thankful I can be for them, the more contentment I find even in the life “after.”
A Meaningful Life
I continued to try new things. First, I got a new job. Secondly, I went back to school and got my master’s degree. Also, I started a few websites and started writing again. Finally, I sold the house I hated and moved to a place I love!! Instead of trying to live my old life without her, I’ve tried to create a new life I feel good about.
It’s a process. I didn’t start that way. As I said, at one point I wanted to curl up in my solitary cave. However, I kept plugging along and doing positive things that I wanted to bring into my life. It has renewed my hope in going forward.
Give Yourself Grace
No matter how you decide to grieve and take care of yourself, you will probably feel at some point you are doing it wrong. Often, I would think to myself, “Why am I not further along?” or “Why am I not ‘done’ with this yet?” Please give yourself grace.
There is no room for comparison in grief. Sometimes, people look “good” on the outside, but on the inside, they are struggling. Caring for yourself after child loss looks however you need it to be. Do not let others judge you, and if they do walk away from that negativity and keep going.
Whatever you do to bring yourself comfort, I want you to know that there is life after this horrible thing. There will be a time when you wake up without feeling like you’re having an out-of-body experience. At some point in the future, you will want to take care of yourself again. Until then, try to bring yourself as much joy as possible. If all you do is brush your teeth today, that’s enough. Even the smallest moment of happiness can bring you hope that life will return to a version of normal again.